Romantic Old World.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Dan types this in, with the TV on in the basement blaring some of the TV shows that I need to keep up with. But the most important sounds are the erratic typing on his keyboard and the song playing in the background (The Feeling - Sewn) on his laptop. Yes he does watch TV with music on too, he is a strange cat. A few skips, and a few long typing bursts in a few secondsit is between 3am and 4am…..

Well, let's just say that I have a crush towards someone. What does this mean? Well, I'm having feelings towards that someone. Well, it's not sexual the light of day, and to some kind of infinity. completely or anything of the sorts, but I want to hang out. It's like I want to share this moment of life with this guy, from the sounds of silence,

I am attracted to his personality number one. I feel a natural connection with this person and it is a feeling I haven't had in a while. In the past I have ended up feeling like I am fighting to hold things together. This person has a good attitude on life and has goals that he is working towards. Things that top my list are he is not afraid to be himself and doesn't let his sexuality govern his whole life. Refreshing as a mouth-full of Scope in the morning as far as I am concerned.

Yes my view has changed a bit since my old blog "Crushes suck and not in a good way" on Thursday, January 26, 2006. That is ok over time some opinions should change.

When a text message, instant message, or phone call from a person literally makes you entire day, and makes you feel like the hero receiving the exuberant welcome. When you start to think, "I wonder what life would be like with this person" and creep yourself out because you don't even know them well enough to hold their hand, and then think the same thing the next day. When you can close your eyes and imagine what they would smell like, feel like and look like waking up next to you in the morning. This is when you know you are no longer in control of feeling and you can get yourself hurt very badly. Would getting hurt affect me? Sure. Would anybody really know it affected me? No. I have mastered skills in disguise better than a ninja.

A crush is a double edged sword. We all know this and yet no matter how hard we try and fight it sometimes it just happens. Personally I had told myself that I was done dating for a while and that I was going to refine my greatest natural resource, my mind. I told myself after the past people that I had dated that I needed time off because I was obviously doing something wrong. (OH side note, because I know you are reading this Johnjohn. Why in the hell don't we ever listen to each other? E.g. my advice to you about Shane and Rex, your advice to me about Franz and Chris? We are stupid that is why. We need to slap ourselves. Also..yes Kenneth I know you told me the same thing about both as well. Go ahead boast you proud bastard.) Now this person has me rethinking all of that. I am picturing myself is a relationship again. Am I crazy? I might just be.

Crazy. That's what a crush feels like. It's good, though, I can be old and have crushes and when they end up unrequited, I can say, silly little boy, you don't know what you're missing! Or something. And until then, I can pine. Pine. Pine.

A second of labored breathing...

Thursday, September 21, 2006

I'm okay, I'm okay. (Dan pulls out a needle-less injector, and gives himself a shot of some kind of painkiller to his neck. The injector makes a quick hiss, and Dan closes his eyes and shakes himself out of it). I feel somewhat better.

I'm too lonely for my own good. I sometimes just want to hang out with a guy who is not so... tainted. I don't want the person that is like every other person out there. Is being unique such a horrible thing? I am tired of the fakeness and luster lacking shells of men that I have met lately. Here is an idea, if you don't have the same feelings on an issue, just say so. Seems like a logical idea to me, instead guys agree with me. Why? Do they want to impress me? Do they think it will help the conversation flow? No it is because they are feeble, insecure and full of self-doubt. This is not a quality that I want in a life partner, business partner, or friend.

Luckily I am blessed with people in all those positions in my life who offer full support and I appreciate them very much.

I enjoy conversation that is challenging and where I can compare my opinions with others. This is a reason that I think I enjoy talking with somebody like Ian Thomas, every time I talk with him I am thinking, learning, and having an enjoyable time. Ian and I aren't even close, he is somebody I would hang out with if the opportunity arises but we are far from best friends. None the less this is the type of person that I respect. My two best friends Johnjohn and Ken are both these types of people. Not only can we have great challenging conversations but they will actually say, "I think you are wrong" whether it is my opinion or an action of mine. Where is that type of brutal honesty?

Anybody else finding this happen to them?