Crushes suck and not in a good way.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

My fucking virgin ass, I hate crushes with a fiery passion. They creep up on you like some B-movie villain and before you know it, you're doomed to functionlessness. There is little-to-no point in them, and yet they insist on complicating my already impenetrably confusing existence. Luckily, they only properly occur once every year or two, but when they infect me, I know full well the consequences. And it's fucking happened again. However there is a big difference in the typ of crush that occurs once every year or two and what I call the "20 minute crush."

I hate the word "crush." It makes me feel like I'm back in middle school and just discovering my hormones. I hate the word "crush" because it sounds so shallow, like all I can do is sit and gaze at the pictures person this word applies to. I hate the word "crush" because it makes me feel immature, far below my 21 years. But, most of all, I hate the word "crush" because it sounds like I want nothing more; it has the connotation of not wanting an actual relationship but rather just wanting to stare at the person. Yet, here I am, with a "crush." Hence this is the problem with "crushes." Your heart gets involved and, try as you might, you can't seem to get it untangled. It somehow believes that if it just holds on long enough, all of your hopes will come true. And then, somewhere along the line, you enter back into reality and wish your heart would start having some communication with your brain rather than behaving like a separate entity.

The thing that makes my crush worse is the fact is that I actually spent a night with the guy and didnt act on it or tell him how I felt. I mean the signs were there, sitting on the couch shoulder to shoulder, feet kept bumping into each other, and to top it off he even went and put some toothpaste in his mouth as if he was anticipating a long kiss goodnight, or something like that, lol. I know hind sight is 20/20 but I just keep replaying the night in my mind. Flooding my self with the what if thoughts and thinking of what could have happened if I would have just taken John's words and "MAN UP!" So now I sit here trying to decide what to do about the situation now. I still have strong feelings but I dont think the other person does, but I still at time get the vibe that the feeling might be mutual. Oh well life is often a challenging and complicated journey.

So here's to all of us who suffer from this haunting ailment. May we come through it wiser, relatively unscathed, and that much more determined to find love that is returned.