Monday, September 25, 2006

Happy Valentines Day!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Ok I tricked you all here to hear my cliche fuck Valentines Day rant.

For every person who receives a furry teddy bear, box of chocolates, or a bouquet of roses this Valentine's Day, there will be just as many who will receive nothing. There's no doubt about it. Valentine's Day sucks. Think about it it's just another reason for pink and red merchandise to be mass marketed so that corporations can once again fill their coffers for that slump between Christmases. Everyone runs around frothing, proclaiming their love and pledging their eternal allegiance to one another if they have somebody. If not you get the shaft and for those of you the day should be renamed "Self Confidence Killoween" it all makes me sick. If someone truly cared about you, I think you'd hear it more often than once a year, presented with a heart shaped cardboard box picked up from the local mall filled with cheap chocolates made with oils and lard and a card picked up for $2.95. This will supposedly cover all wrongs and faults in the relationship with one fell swoop, leaving the giver disencumbered of all sins committed within the past year. If you are single it just causes depression, whether mild or severe, and makes you realize that you are single and all the frolicking couples make you feel like there is an error in your ways and you need to find a mate and breed like our grandparents did after the war. Don't get me wrong. I'm not a single young man bent on giving grief to everyone else who is dating. I'm just a stark realist. I want someone to tell me if I'm loved of their own volition, not because some fabricated greeting card holiday sponsored by the evil Hallmark Corporation obligates them to.

When I was a kid I used to give Valentines Day cards to everybody in my class, and yes I did get cards back. I think most can relate with that ritual from grade school. Then I thought back on how it really was, my parents would take me to the store so I could get the coolest cards on Earth. Personally I would always go with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle cards or maybe some Thundercats, never GI Joe cause they were just not my style Cowabunga Dude!!! Then I would pick out all the favorite characters and give them to my close friends and then the rest would go to the other kids that I didn't really care for. I would always notice the "smelly" kid or the unpopular kid at their desk sometime crying because they didn't get a lot of cards. Then some people would throw away some cards because they were more generic and didn't have flashy characters or candy on them. I can only imagine how the kids whose parents could walk them into a store and say "pick which one you want out" must have felt. I am glad I can say I never made fun of my peers for their family not having a lot of extra cash. So yay for my parents even though they taught me fucked up values and ways to express myself they spoiled me with material things. Then once I got to high school and was dating my girlfriend things changed a lot. I no longer had to buy cards and candy to share with the class, but had to spend more money and think of things a lot more original than a card. Even then when I was in a relationship the day wasn't that great, it was just basically me spending a lot of money in order to keep getting laid. Sad but true.

Ok so down to it boys and girls. Some people want to get cards and flowers and chocolates and teddy bears and hugs and kisses and other such bullshit. Me? I just want to get drunk and get laid. Neither will happen but a guy can hope can't he? I just haven't had good sex in a while; it's a very sad day when John, my apprentice, is getting more action than I am. Sure I could make a phone call or hop online and find somebody that will do but I want that great sex where when you get done you feel like you just went on a journey and you can barely walk because you are so exhausted. Where you have to sleep on the floor because the mattress is soaked from all the sweat and fluids that leaked during the breeding ceremony. I want bite marks and bruises from my nipples to my toes that good ball slapping sex that should be video taped and sold for $49.99 a copy. Anybody else know what I'm talking about or do I just really get into it?

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