Sometimes you feel like a nut.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Ok I want to start this entry with definitions of some feelings that effect my life, as they do many of yours as well, on a daily basis.
Fear - A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.
Love - A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person.
Lust - Intense or unrestrained sexual craving.
Anger - A strong feeling of displeasure or hostility.
Sadness - Affected or characterized by sorrow or unhappiness.
Insecurity - a feeling of apprehensiveness and uncertainty

I always come off as being this confident happy person, but honestly I have just mastered the skill of dissimulation. I thought that I was extremley good at this until a talk with John-john last night. I respect him for his bluntness and honesty. I have always respected his advice and always will, he has always listened to me and told me what he thought of what I was saying whether I wanted to hear it or not. So he just flat out asked me, "whats getting to you?" So I was taken back by this and quite frankly he caught me off guard and I started trying to ramble out some reason but really couldn't get something credible out. Ok, this NEVER happens to me, I have a very sharp keen tongue and when put on the spot I can usually throw something out there within seconds. So I don't know what to think. I mean am I losing my edge? is there just too many things built up inside? Is "me" making myself emotionally numb to all of my problems taking a drastic toll on me? See my mind is honestly a heterogeneous, well oiled machine. I think this is why I often don't sleep very well. I just have so much on my mind that when it is time to turn out the lights and have quiet time everything is thrown at me at once.

With all that out of the way I do feel better. I feel as if I can breathe a little bit better now. I am not looking for pity it just helps me grip reality to get emotions off of my chest once in a while. Im still a strong person and no matter what I will always have a smile on even if I dont feel like a smile. It is just a part of me and will always be. I don't know how healthy this is but it does help me function from day to day. Thanks for listening to me be a total girl...;-)
-Dan